My Kind of Intoxication Episode 1
by tcdfics
Summary: Poetry inspired by my different fandoms. Includes thoughts I have about TV writers. Audiobook: soundcloud . com/cookie-llorente/sets/my-kind-of-intoxication! -x- means space. This website doesn't have the page break/enter mechanism between paragraphs.
1. Chapter 1: For TV Writers

I have another story in mind  
Another way that this could have gone down  
I guess I need to respect your decision  
It is your story and I merely share it  
Amidst I, along with thousands or at least a considerable number  
of people,  
made it possible for you,  
for all of you,  
to stay on  
Wouldn't it be more fair if you listened to us, even a little?  
But no, this is your tale and you're entitled to all of it


	2. Chapter 2:True Blood: Paric

It probably because I haven't had such intricacy  
That's why I can't fathom the seeming slave-like quality of it  
Or have I?  
I have believed in some things and continually fight for them  
Closing myself to other options  
No, opening myself up to options but sticking to my original  
ideals  
Isn't that the same?


	3. Chapter 3: For TV Writers

Why do I need words?  
When action can be enough  
When simple facial expressions, smiles can actually suffice  
When standing next to each other, looking at each other can prove  
well enough  
A picture paints a thousand words  
Sometimes, words even can't suffice the depiction of emotion  
The visual, the nonverbal works more  
But why do I need words?  
Why do I need their words?

-x-

Why do I need your words?  
When it's better to see the output first  
When it is a fact that if I rely on your words before the  
actuality,  
I may be being lied to  
Lies that hide in plain sight

-x-

Lies that hide in plain sight


	4. Chapter 4: True Blood: Tamela vs Paric

i need to rid myself of the tropes  
of that trope  
sure it happens  
someone can break it all down for you  
soften and warm your hard, cold heart

-x-

or it could also be that you are dead set on that other one  
you may be fooling around but the heart will always belong to that  
one  
and isn't that a testament of being brave and true?


	5. Chapter 5: True Blood

maybe in the end of all of these,  
some of us can never have lasting happiness,  
can never have justice  
maybe some of us has to suffer  
only to get fleeting moments of joy  
and meet our end without respect

-x-

maybe some of us need to have this kind of existence  
for equilibrium?  
because there is nothing fair in the world  
human nature wants us to have this fairness  
but aren't we forgetting the animal in all of us?  
that really, all that could be is survival of the fittest?  
the odds and the gods,  
the masters and the blasters  
some will win, some will lose  
just a matter of who goes first  
by choice, by circumstance,  
none of that matters in the end  
fight, we must  
live, we should

-x-

until we meet the sun  
that sun which shall perish us  
once and for all


	6. Chapter 6: when we hope too much from tv

we want it to be perfect so badly  
are we pathetic or hopeful?

-x-

we have the enduring need to control  
are we pathetic or hopeful?

-x-

we believe the fantasies  
are we pathetic or hopeful?

-x-

we revel in the fabrications  
are we pathetic or hopeful?

-x-

we hope too much  
it's fucking pathetic

-x-

we are so pathetic  
we can only keep hope in a glass with a hole


	7. Chapter 7:when we hope too much from tv

why do i even get surprised?  
when everything is all hype anyway


	8. Chapter 8: TVD: Delena: Early Season 6

You can't be dead  
I know where you are  
is another universe  
but you're not dead  
You weren't able to come back  
That's all  
If you had the chance you would have  
If you have the chance you would be here

-x-

I know you're hurting there  
as I am hurting here  
And someday maybe we can be together again

-x-

Or do I know that you're alive?  
All I know is that the portal closed  
How can I know that you are actually dead?

-x-

And isn't this more painful?  
Not knowing if you are dead  
or alive trying your way back to me  
as I try my way back to you?

-x-

I descend into this madness  
If it's not madness, it's not love, right?  
We may be calm, we may be normal  
But when it comes to you, I don't do normal for you  
I go all out, I'm all in, I'm here for the long haul

-x-

This is why if you're not here  
I'd rather be not here too  
But I can't forget you  
I want to, I need to, but that is a difficult thing  
So I need to make difficult choices too

-x-

Know that I chose to forget you so I can move on  
The pain is killing me  
I'd rather be dead, honestly  
But I don't know why I choose not to die yet  
Maybe because I know you don't want that for me

-x-

In honor of you, I will live my life  
But it has to be a life without our memories

-x-

I drink this now and say, "I do."


	9. Chapter 9: Alias: Sydney and Vaughn

Two years have gone and I stand here now

-x-

I come home and everything changed  
My friends are gone, my house burned, you are not with me anymore  
My family is out of reach

-x-

And I pick myself up on my own  
So I can avenge myself  
While I see you every day with her

-x-

I have always been tough  
I have always been strong  
It's such a proud moment  
that I do all this  
And I love it

-x-

Even if I hurt  
Even if being lost is an understatement  
I bloom forth and continue the circle

-x-

Even if you're not here for me anymore

-x-

You're not here  
You're not here for me

-x-

Not anymore, even if you're here


	10. Chapter 10: OUAT: Cruella and Ursula

You and I, we live free  
No holding back, no limits, no rules, only ones we made  
This is how we met,  
how we fell in love,  
fell out of love,  
tried again  
and be in love more than ever  
this is our way of life  
this is us until we die

-x-

I do sometimes worry,  
what if one of us dies because of this lifestyle?  
I know we're good, and almost, always untouchable  
But what if that moment comes  
when one of us goes?

-x-

But it's the thrill of the chase,  
ecstasy of dangers we face

-x-

the adrenaline of being on the edge,  
and careful choreography  
with a kick of spontaneity  
pauses trouble by a stopping wedge

-x-

We never stop, we only pause  
We only pause, we come back in style  
We always come back in style, we are indestructible  
We are indestructible, because we will never stop

-x-

I do sometimes think,  
what if there's a different kind of us?  
A universe of happiness in the ordinary,  
a life with nothing hostile  
I know we can never be boring  
For others, our perfection is almost, always unreachable

-x-

Yet we continue to choose this life  
And when that moment comes  
and one of us goes?

-x-

You and I, we live free  
No holding back, no limits, no rules, only ones we made  
This is how we met,  
how we fell in love,  
fell out of love,  
tried again  
and be in love more than ever  
this is our way of life  
this is us until we die

-x-

This is us bound in death together

-x-

Until we meet again


	11. Chapter 11:True Blood: Tamela vs Paric

i need to leave you to make sure he's okay  
that, i know for sure

-x-

i am truly loyal to him,  
everybody knows  
that i can't live without him  
and he  
knows that

-x-

you don't agree, i know  
you are angry, i know

-x-

you don't deserve my disregard,  
maybe i know that  
it's irresponsible, it's reckless  
maybe i know that

-x-

i am all for self-preservation  
that, i know for sure


	12. Chapter 12:OUAT: Cruella and Ursula

**Title: Yet Again**

You left me long ago  
It felt like eight tentacles clutching my whole body  
One of which dedicated to choke the breathe out of me  
It was decades ago  
Yet when something reminds me of it  
It feels like it's still happening  
And I descend to it  
Into the loop of misery  
Everything circling through me  
And I circle through them  
Until I, for decency's sake, for practicality's sake, shut it out  
And move on  
Until the next fix  
I actually want it  
I actually like it  
For everytime I remember the unfortunate  
I also am reminded of the sympathy we had  
Is it really just sympathy we felt?  
Sympathy for each other  
Or was it... I dare not say it  
I didn't say it  
And you didn't either

-x-

I don't want to say I had no choice  
I don't want to admit the reasons I had  
I left because I wanted to  
Because I needed to  
I don't want to admit that I didn't get hurt  
I don't want to admit that I actually cared  
For once in my life, I did care  
For someone  
Of all people, you  
Well you were worth it  
You're rad and beautiful  
I don't want to delve into that now  
I tell myself that I left just because I wanted to  
Leaving for leaving's sake  
After all, I never shied away from darkness  
I welcomed it and I bathe in it

-x-

And now we stand face to face  
Like nothing happened  
Because we need to get to the matter at hand  
When it comes to people like us  
We are always practical  
And so I should not have been surprised  
But that's for later

And now here we are  
Done with the tasks of the day  
So what now?

-x-

We had lit the flame again  
We dared  
We were ecstatic  
We promised this time it's different  
This time it is for real  
We both believed  
I genuinely believed  
I think you did too  
We reveled in every moment we had  
We lived in the moment  
We believed in the future  
I cherished every second I had with you  
I believed in a future of us  
But now tables have turned  
I now have my first dream  
You always knew  
You are only my second  
You were fine with that  
Because I have always been a second to you too  
And I am fine with that  
That's how we are, so why fight it?  
And now I am leaving you  
Not because I don't care  
I do, more than I will admit  
You gave me euphoria that sometimes eclipses my first dream  
And how is that possible?  
You are the only who can do that to me  
Yet Again

-x-

But my first dream is my ultimate glee  
And because I want my revenge, I am leaving you  
I want you to feel what I felt  
In your own way  
I know you will  
Also because, who are we to think of a future?  
There's a future for me  
There's a future for you  
But there is no future for something called us  
I will not admit that I second guess myself  
Not to anyone

-x-

And so you left  
I deserve it  
I feel all the pain  
I can't help myself but feel the pain  
I believed before  
I believed again  
It is double the pain compared the first time I did the leaving  
I should not be more crushed now  
I should be thinking we are finally even  
I should not care because we are the type of people  
Who take because we can  
And we always knew we are only each other's second  
But the thing is, I care  
For the second time in my life  
I genuinely care  
And it is because of you

-x-

Yet Again


	13. Chapter 13:A Fangirl's Melancholy

**Title:**

 **A Fangirl's Melancholy**

and here i am sitting alone  
when all of them  
go out and live

-x-

i do live  
in my own way  
and it's good  
i like it  
i love it

-x-

i guess i just need more people  
not all the time do my people can be with me  
i need back up

-x-

right now it feels empty  
i feel alone  
alone with my duties  
duties i procrastinate on

-x-

because the world will turn  
with or without me  
it will go on  
without me  
so i need to do my thing  
be in my own current  
as the world moves on its own current  
and sometimes we meet  
and it's glorious  
for the times we don't  
i need to stay in mine  
hold on stronger  
before the next meet

-x-

and i am here alone  
while the world turns  
while they go in their own current  
at the end of the day  
we live separately  
we go on our own paths  
we might have stopped and talked  
but we have our own journeys to get into

-x-

at the end, it's just a beautiful stop  
nothing more  
and we go on  
without one another

-x-

we may see each other again  
or we may not  
we have the memories  
as we go on  
without one another


	14. Chapter 14: OUAT: Cruella and Author

The heart wants what it wants  
Attempt on an explanation is futile  
Nothing makes sense when the heart speaks  
Maybe it's genetics too?  
Mostly, it's something else  
Something undiscovered  
Something foolish  
Something dangerous

-x-

All love is dangerous  
if you think about it hard  
All possible sense diminishes  
And yet some of us even choose a more dangerous option  
But then we do not really choose  
We don't, right?  
Because the heart wants what it wants

-x-

We say we don't want to get hurt  
Or we don't really feel anything about people who are plainly  
stupid,other than amusement and entertainment  
But sometimes,  
the heart or the remaining shreds of it  
can still feel things  
without even consciously allowing it to open  
without the intention of being ordinary  
like these people, stupidly motivated by love  
Stupid people who are in love  
But the heart gets tangled to attractive, unusual, weird things,  
and people  
It's mere curiosity, we say  
We lust for the unknown  
Most get anxiety by thoughts of the unknown  
But mostly, it's the curiosity for it  
So it makes sense to latch to the unknown  
Or does it?

-x-

Can it be that the mind breaks down like a threadbare?  
While the heart builds us up, sewing us together like a fur coat?

-x-

Your mind, not wanting any of this nonsense  
While the heart is there wanting what it wants


	15. Chapter 15: Fangirl Friendships

**Title:**

 **Fangirl Friendships**

i'd like to describe what it is for us  
or at least for me  
i'd like to show off to the world  
how this is so legit and so radiant  
but i find myself overwhelmed and vanquished  
from all its artistry, spontaneity, authenticity and love  
simply, love

-x-

i'd like to trace all of its edges  
and let the readers enter the core  
of how it is for us  
not only on what being a fan means,  
people already know that  
but what it means to have friendships like these

-x-

true to form, i am dozing off  
sometimes in sleep and in sleepiness we march on

-x-

i can't describe it now  
i can't unleash it now  
or will i ever be able to?  
will i ever record and represent  
how we are?

-x-

whatever the answer is,  
i have an answer to that new blinking message,  
yes


End file.
